This is a speech I like to give my students about my beliefs with regard to Nicolas Cage, to clear up any misunderstanding. Please contact my office if you would like me to give this speech at your school or at a civic meeting.

Let’s get right to it.

I believe in Nicolas Cage.

I believe he is real.

I believe that he is not a projection of my mind. I could not have invented Nicolas Cage—that much I know.

I believe he lives.

I believe that he believes that he lives. Which I find even more convincing.

I believe in him—that he’ll go far in life. He already has gone far, yes, but he will go far again and again.

I believed him in National Treasure when he said he would be stealing The Declaration of Independence. He did.

I believed him in National Treasure 2 when he said he would be kidnapping The President of the United States of America. He did.

I believe in the “nouveau shamanic” style of acting that this man employs.

And so I believe that there was no script for the National Treasure movies. I believe we are simply watching a man go about his daily routine. I believe that, right now, Nicolas Cage is solving national mysteries and nerding out over rare coins. He could be travelling back in time to kill Betsy Ross. He could be fighting a giant lizard-enhanced Benedict Arnold and walking on a bridge made of rare historical documents—a bridge which he himself made using a power like Iceman has—but with rare historical documents in place of ice.

I believe Diane Kruger is with him on these escapades.

I believe the quiver-like document case that he has slung over his shoulder, and which he often carries The Declaration of Independence in, except when he’s faking out Sean Bean’s character, is made from the hollowed out wooden leg of President Zachary Taylor. I believe that, at the time of his presidency, people suspected that Zachary Taylor had a wooden leg—but they said nothing, because it was possible he was using it to traffick state secrets and important rare and historical documents.

However, I believe that President Taylor NEVER COULD HAVE imagined that his leg would one day carry The Declaration of Independence. I believe this information would have been too much. I believe he would have turned away from his destiny and began a new quest to destroy the leg, in a misguided attempt to save The Declaration of Independence.

But I believe you can’t change the timeline. I believe everything happened as it should. I believe in the vindication of the Gates family. I believe Diane Kruger should have rightfully had the missing 1789 button for George Washington’s inauguration and that part of Nicolas Cage’s destiny was to help her complete the full set. It makes sense and I believe Diane Kruger collects masonic aprons as well.

I believe that they DID heat up the back of The Declaration of Independence together with their breath, though I believe Nicolas Cage’s breath accounted for more than two-thirds of that exhalatory heat. I believe that Diane Kruger’s breath was very hot as well, though, considering that it only took them one breath—and not even a particularly strong one at that—though not a bad one either—a good breath—a generous but not strengthful breath—just one breath to heat up the whole corner of The Declaration of Independence. I mean that’s pretty good!

I believe the “national treasure” referred to in the title of the film series is not The Declaration of Independence, nor is it The President of the United States, nor is it the sweet steampunk glasses of Benjamin Franklin—I believe it’s Nicolas Cage duh.